As more of a spiritual person than a religious one, I have always believed we are just pawns on God’s game board of life.  As I continue to accept and embrace having this chronic condition I have became much more thankful for the blessing God gives me each day.  In practicing mindfulness each morning I have found myself more open to receiving messages that I was not previously open to.  More religious friends have often told me how they have received messages from god or their angels and how they feel their prayers are received and sometimes guidance is given not that their prayers and necessarily answered.  I can’t say I have really had this experience previously except when my dad passed.  When my dad died and I made it home that evening from college in Providence, Rhode Island to Sunrise, Florida he came to me in my dream that evening.  We had a full conversation.  I was not asleep, yet I was not awake.  I fully remember the experience and the feeling.  I no longer remember the conversation except that he told me I was going to be ok like he always told me.   My dad came to my son when he was two year old and playing alone in the den and my ex-husband, my mom and I were in the living room talking.  Jack came to me and said, “Mommy, Papa says hi.”  I said who is papa?  Jack took my hand and brought me to the den and to a picture of my dad.  They had been playing together.  So you see I believe in angels and positive spirits and that my dad is my and Jack’s protector.  But, in all of this pain I have prayed for relief and for others healing and I have prayed thankful prayers for the good things in my life the blessings of Jack, my friends, extended family, security, the love I feel from others.  I have not asked for signs.  I am not sure I would receive them if I did I just really wished for the pounding pain to stop, for my energy to return and for the headaches to subside.  However, when you finally let go of all of your stress somehow, even when you are in some of your lowest moments , positive messages come into your space.

I have gone from a person who was much more materialistic to a person who is much more thankful for acts of service.  I am unsure I would have made it through the last three weeks prior to coming to the beach without my friend Daniel.  He has shown me such love and care asking nothing in return from helping with my dog when I was totally incapacitated to bringing me food and physically checking on me when things were a little scary.  He has been a blessing and a true friend.  My 48 birthday occurred a day after the horrid botox injections and I was in no condition to have company or take care of Missy.  Bob as wonderful as always took care of Missy and visited as much as I could handle understanding when I could not.  Bob and his wife Julie have been a wonderful blessing and I am so very thankful for them.  My best friend Dei has been a rock on the phone and text by the boatload.  She has lifted me up more than any friend should probably have to.  I wish we lived closer to each other.  She is one of only a few who has seen me at a level 10 pain headache and understands when I just can’t communicate but still need support.  I don’t think I could exist without Dei.  My thankfulness for her cannot be put into words.  Our friend Susan forced us to be friends and we are both so blessed she did so.  My best friend Jeremy has been there every day by phone and text.  when I don’t answer he calls the next line.  If my head is pounding beyond the limits he texts to ensure I am going to be ok or what I may need and how to make it happen.  It is hard as he is crazy busy but still checks on me multiple times each day and worries about me constantly.  My close friend Shay also checks on me daily via text and I think worries and I know prays for my healing.  They are my blessings and I am so thankful to have these men in my life to care so deeply for me to love me and ask for nothing in return but my friendship and love.  My sister-cousin Debbie has been an amazing blessing I am immensely thankful for.  It is like we have known each other forever even though we didn’t talk for 19 years and I really didn’t know her the majority of my formative years.  We are so very alike in our thinking, likes and interests it amazes me.  I am so looking forward to getting to meet her in person when I am finally well enough to travel and spend time away.  My best friend Pam has been there whenever I reach out and understanding when I don’t.  Her daughter Katie has been a blessing in helping me when she can and I love this family dearly and I am very thankful for having them as a special and important part of my life.  I am also thankful for friendships that have blossomed since my divorce and I can rely on when I am in need with this condition Susan R. and Debbie B. have come to my home and helped me in so many ways when I ask and it is hard for me to ask that sometimes they just show up and I am so very thankful for them.  Then there are my amazing neighbors who have helped with my yard, my Missy girl, my paper, my trash, driving me, everything.  I live on an amazing block and I am so very thankful and blessed by these people that when I don’t come out for a week at a time I start getting texts to make sure I am still alike and kicking.  Finally, my biggest blessing is Jack.  I really thought I was doing a good job hiding this from him.  He is in his graduate studies and I didn’t want to bother or impact him.  I want him to be successful and do well.  However, as things started to get progressively worse and I really needed help.  I hired a wonderful dog walker and asked friends but I needed him to take me to some doctors appointments and some other things and he did.  He has always stepped up.  He researched on his own.  Hammered the doctor with questions.  Surprising me on multiple occasions after different treatments and medications.  He has stayed involved and engaged in the middle of all of his crazy work and school requirements.  He has been understanding when I cannot function and loving when I can.  God knew when he was doing when he blessed me with this son.  He is the biggest blessing of them all.

I am thankful for all of you not because I am ready to die but because I am ready to live!  I am ready to be pain free.  I am ready to be the old me.  I am ready to not judge what you cannot see in others and defend that in others that you cannot see.  Maybe that is one of the purposes God had this happen to me.  To humble me.  To appreciate people more.  To be more thankful.  To appreciate our blessings.  To be open to his messages.  I am ready to begin and will not allow myself or any staff that works for ever again to work beyond what is reasonable for the “good of the organization” as your health will always come first.  I have learned my lesson and will ensure I do not cause this pain on anyone else.

~Audra